April Break Part 1: Brandeis

I was very sick again all last week (high fever and now cough) but this week we had to go on the road for the dreaded accepted student visits! As it turns out, my dad looked at the money again and did a total 180. So at the beginning of break, I was leaning toward Brandeis and both my parents were leaning towards UArts (or, in dad's case, Ithaca, but we don't talk about that). Anyway, I got to Brandeis on Sunday morning and went to a bunch of admitted student panels. All the kids were super accomplished and really cool. And then there were a bunch of different tours. They told us to "divide and conquer" so my mom went on an arts tour and I went on a residential tour. Apparently the arts tour was amazing. The girl leading it had showed me around when I visited last year, and my mom loved going to the museum on campus and meeting a theatre design professor. My tour was pretty disappointing. There were so many of us that they had to split us in half, which was still a LOT of people. They didn't really know what to do with us. They just had us walk through one hall and room, single file. It was a single which made all the parents VERY angry. They were all comparing the Brandeis dorms to the other schools their kids were considering and making passive aggressive comments about the tour. It was gross. The whole thing took about 20 minutes and I had to wait an HOUR for mom to finish her tour. I got to chat with the theatre professor at the lunch though, and she was great. She helped arrange for me to observe classes. Also, mom asked her about UArts (she wants to get everyone's opinion) and she said her husband had gone there for music and that she loved the school! So that was good too. After lunch we went to this financial aid talk. The lady just pretty much outlined all the different types of loans we could choose to pay off for the next 30 years at 7.6% interest. My mother was highly discouraged. She was especially pissed to learn that work study doesn't go towards tuition; it is paid directly to the students for spending money and books. She scheduled a private meeting with the representative for the next day. I came back with her at noon and met a friend who I know from Young Judea. She took me to the dining hall, which was AMAZING, and I got to meet her friends who were all really cool. She had also housed a prospective student the night before, and that girl was also a theater major, and we found out we were sitting in on the same directing class! I was supposed to go to the voice lesson of the arts tour guide so I invited her along. The voice teacher was really cool. She worked a lot on acting, which was a relief. I had been afraid that the voice teachers from the music department would be totally classical. As it turns out, there is also a singing class through the theatre department. You can do a lot of musical theatre without being a music major with the MTP concentration. I went to directing next and it was amazing. We started out watching final projects because it's almost the end of the semester. Then they did a debrief, which was really educational. I've never taken a class in directing, but now I want to! The teacher was very accommodating and answered all our questions. He's done a lot of theatre and is, for lack of a better phrase, the real deal. Unfortunately, my mom's meeting did not go well. They take away some aid if you make any more than $5000...so we couldn't use the money my grandpa set aside for my education. Or if we did, I wouldn't be able to work in the summers. And my parents really don't want me to have unsubsidized loans. Basically, there was no way to get out of paying $40,000, which we cannot pay. It is a real shame. I would have loved to go there. But after I heard everything from my mom in the car on the way to Philadelphia, I knew I had to move on. I just started to get in the UArts frame of mind. 

Update 4/12

My family is having a big discussion about college today. My dad is finally coming home after his trip and we are getting right down to it. Meanwhile, I'm totally stressing about liberal arts and management and whether I could get enough at UArts and whether I would miss it (honestly I'm not sure I would) and whether I could dance at all at Brandeis and how hard it would be to graduate from there without connections in the field and affording an MFA program and trying to transfer to some other school that does have everything and whether that would be acting or musical theatre or what and whether I could get into a really tough academic school as a transfer student and whether I should get a coach to go over this with me and how American fit me so well but I never even put myself on the wait list because I assumed I wouldn't get enough aid and blah blah blah. I am so exhausted. I feel like any decision would be wrong at this point. I can't do anything. This sucks. Transferring sounds kind of good.

Update 4/9: The Semifinals

So since my last update, I got my final two rejections from NYU (3/27) and Webster (4/1)...which means all the results are in and I can start deciding! Unfortunately, I also got my financial aid package from Brandeis, and although they gave me over $20,000 in scholarship (the most of any school), it is still 15k more than UArts and Ithaca. Sarah Lawrence is the only school more expensive. Surprise! I've actually pretty much narrowed it to Brandeis and UArts. DePaul and Ithaca don't really allow for performance training, and I'm honestly not ready to give that up. It has to be a combination. Cornish is far away and small. Sarah Lawrence is also small, and very project-based. I don't think I'm self-directed enough to take that on at this point in my life. I need more structure. So that's why I have narrowed it to two WILDLY different schools, one of which we can't afford and one of which my father has deemed worthless. You guess which is which! I made some pro-con lists, off the top of my head, without doing any research. I'll be visiting both schools in a couple of weeks, and supposedly won't be able to know which is right for me until then. Honestly I think they're both right for me. I could go either way. It's just the money and the parental disapproval. UArts just called and told me they're giving me another $3000 and that they want me. That makes them cheaper than all the other schools. My parents are doing some rethinking of the way they handle money (they have separate accounts and may combine) and my dad is sill being stubborn about the value of an education or whatever. To be honest, he's having a lot of trouble right now and although I know it's not my fault, it is sort of about me. He is away on business right now, and when he comes back I think we might FINALLY discuss it rationally. He might be mad that my mom and I didn't involve him in the process more. It's so weird that I haven't dealt with the unsupportive parent thing until now. I'm feeling relatively chill about where I end up—I don't think I'll be unhappy at either place. I'm going to end up doing the same thing regardless. Undergrad is not a huge deal. It just kind of stinks that I have to choose either academic or artistic connections/prestige. UArts is what I had in mind at the beginning; Brandeis is what I had in mind at the very beginning. It's just so weird that it's come down to the schools that are the very extremes of my list! I feel like I can't go wrong but I also can't totally go right.

Rejected

Here's the thing about rejection: it's inevitable and it is almost always going to hurt a little. And it's part of life, so the sooner you learn to deal with it, the better. Taking rejection is a fine art, and since I'm getting a Bachelor of Fine Arts (maybe) I thought I would share some tips.

How to Prepare

If you ask me, the best way to deal with rejection is to know it's coming. NEVER expect acceptance—not for college auditions, not for professional auditions, and definitely not when you give up on your dreams and apply to med school. Even if they heavily imply it in your audition, you can't know you're accepted until you see it in writing. I'm not saying be a total pessimist—actually, maybe I am—but "expect the worst, hope for the best" is a thing for a reason, the reason being that it works! 

When you do any kind of audition, even if you HATE auditioning (if you hate it that much you probably shouldn't do it for a living, but that's another discussion), you have to find some reason to be there besides "I want to get in/get the part." Try, "I want to get experience auditioning" or "I want to practice my craft." (I'm sorry I said craft. I know, pretentious.) Tell yourself—nay, CONVINCE yourself—that acceptance isn't everything. 

Once You're Rejected

If it's a school you really cared about, take a day to mourn. Some people say three days, or three hours or however long it takes you to finish a pint of Ben & Jerry's (insert #BFAbody joke here). I don't need more than a day to wallow, but you have to accept that it might creep up on you from time to time—for example, I dreamed that I reauditioned for a school that rejected me last night. The best advice I can give for getting over it is to think about all the awesome schools you did get into and how happy you would be there! If you don't get in anywhere or anywhere you love/can afford, think about what a blast it would be to reaudition, this time having a clue what you are doing! I almost want to reaudition, for a few reasons. I'll make a post about that soon. ANYWAY, there is so much more in your life besides college. That's why I buy myself socks and sushi every time I audition. Also, hello, life experience makes you a better actor. Man, I can't WAIT to see how the experiences I've had this year will change my work! (There's no way to say that without sounding obnoxious, I'm sorry.)

But What Did I Do Wrong???

The hardest thing for me after being rejected is not knowing why. You can't know why. And you know what? Why might be STUPID. Backstage has a great article on "why you weren't cast." That can give you some ideas if you're truly curious, but the point they're making is that you have very little control, no matter how "well" you think you did. At my two best auditions, I didn't get in. The next best two, I did. But it's so random, and that's what Backstage is getting at. You can't waste your time wondering why, unless you also want to be a casting director (this is my excuse). Also, read "why we cast you!" That one is actually uplifting.

Always remember: it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be jealous, it's okay to wonder why, but it's not okay not to be happy and it's not okay to let those negative feelings take over your life. You are more than this. You are more than this. Rejection or acceptance is NOT a judgment on your validity as a person or an actor. Every rejection makes you stronger, prepares you for future rejections, and helps you learn about yourself. It's a good thing! But I can't deny that even good things sometimes suck at first.

Update 3/24: Financial Aid Sucks

So since I last posted I received an (again, expected—I am soooo good at this) rejection from Northwestern and a kind of surprising wait list from American! My first wait list! Exciting! As my mother said, "the plot thickens." The plot thickened even more when I got my DePaul financial aid package back. The theatre school gave me $18,000 but even with my loans, that leaves 1.5 times as much money as our EFC...which apparently my parents are supposed to take out a giant loan to pay for. I'm actually pissed. I mean, we could maybe make that much money work, but expecting a student's parent to take out a loan of that size? REALLY?! Ugh. My financial situation is better than a lot of people and I feel lucky...but still, my family can't pay for college! Nobody can! My dad kept saying "its Monopoly money," which is so real. Ughhhh. UArts is tied with Ithaca for cheapest but my dad hates it and thinks they gave me so much money "because I don't belong there." DePaul and Ithaca gave me even more in scholarship, UArts was just generous with grants...I don't know. I would be perfectly happy there but obviously I can't go if my dad won't pay for it. Now I'm just waiting for the Brandeis aid package to come in the mail, but my hopes are not high. Ew. Capitalism.

Update 2 3/21

Whoop just got my Marymount rejection! That was totally expected. But does 2 in a day win me some kind of award???

Update 3/21

Okay! I've gotten a lot of decisions back since I last posted. Specifically, I've been accepted to DePaul, Sarah Lawrence and Brandeis and rejected from Emerson and BU. I'm still waiting to hear from 4 schools (NYU, Marymount, Webster, Northwestern) but I'm fairly sure this is it. I wasn't surprised by either of my recent rejections because I was so sick at Emerson and BU wanted me to apply for Production and Design instead (UGH) but it is hard not to get attached. I'm floored that I got into 2/3 liberal arts schools though! Today I'm really feeling Brandeis, but some days I feel DePaul or UArts. Depending on financial aid, those are the 3 I will likely be visiting over my April break. I think going to Brandeis would be great for me as a person, but maybe not so great in terms of career opportunities relative to DePaul/UArts/Ithaca. [Edit: Brandeis has a great theatre program with loads of connections, I was being stupid.] But at the same time, I only get one undergrad experience, and I think a lot of the stuff I would do at Brandeis might not be available after college (being involved with Hillel, taking classes in political science, even some of the theatre classes they offer). So right now that's what I'm leaning towards, which is scary because I haven't gotten my aid package yet and I know a girl who got in ED and got zero from them! But yeah, I can't wait to visit. It feels good to have some idea of where I'll be going and what I want. And it's cool that I've gotten into two of each type of program (2 audition, 2 interview, 2 liberal arts and 2 non-audition safeties). I'm so excited!