My College Audition Play

College Audish: A One-Act Play

By Abigail Morris

Author’s note:

            This play was inspired by my musical theatre experience and odd fascination with the college audition process. However, all persons and events depicted in the following play are pure products of my imagination. Any resemblance to actual, specific persons (living or dead) or events (past, present, or future) is purely coincidental.

            If these characters are played any less than 100% truthfully, I will personally fly in on a broomstick and blacklist everyone involved from all BFA MT programs ever.

Characters:

BRADY: 17-year-old high school senior auditioning for Triple Threat University College-Conservatory of Music, Theatre, and Dance’s BFA program.

MOM: Brady’s mom. Clueless but supportive.

STUDENT PROCTOR: A freshman musical theatre major at TTU.

ANGELIQUE. Extremely trained, extremely coached, extremely polished. Yet even she disintegrates under BFA audition pressure. Wears a knee length blue dress and tan pumps.

AUDITOR #1: Wants to see your understanding of the human condition and how it intersects with your life experience and artistry. Likes to test people. In cahoots with the ACCOMPANIST.

AUDITOR #2: Wants to see your technical skill: loudest belt, highest kick and funniest joke.

AUDITOR #3: Wants a new job.

ACCOMPANIST: Quiet and timid but secretly plotting with AUDITOR #1.

FUTURE BROADWAY STARS, STAGE PARENTS, and PEOPLE WHO ARE SECRETLY INFLUENTIAL

SCENA PRIMA

Outside a college audition/interview room. STAGE PARENTS and FUTURE BROADWAY STARS clutch binders of audition material, dance shoes and throat coat. Some stretch, some warm up, some just sit. PEOPLE WHO ARE SECRETLY INFLUENTIAL lurk in corners, observing “inconspicuously.” No one acknowledges them. They might be dressed like spies/secret agents. BRADY is sitting beside MOM. Bored, awkward. It’s been a long wait.

MOM. Brady, you should make some friends. Talk to people. You all have so much in common, don’t let the competition get to you!

BRADY. Ugh, fine. (to A FUTURE BROADWAY STAR) So, um…what are you singing?

A FUTURE BROADWAY STAR. My coach said not to tell other people what you’re singing.

BRADY. Oh. Okay.

STUDENT PROCTOR. Oh my gosh, who’s your coach? Mine said that last year!

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR. I’m working with Geronimo from Extremely Expensive Coaching Service with Lots of Connections.

STUDENT PROCTOR. I used EECSWLOC (pronounced EEKS-vlok, like it’s German) too! They are sooooooo helpful. I could never have got in here without them. Did you know I was actually going to sing “On My Own” until I started voice with Aurelia? (Sarcastic laugh.) That would have gone over sooooo well. (Sees BRADY is listening. Tries to be polite.) What are you singing?

BRADY. You guys probably don’t know it. “Obscure Song Cut in Previews” from “An Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Broadway Musical: The Musical.”

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR. Um, that’s what I’m singing.

BRADY. But…it’s a guy song.

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR. I had it transposed. Obviously. I can’t believe you’re singing the same song as me! God! I looked EVERYWHERE for something no one else would do.

BRADY. Me too. I guess…we looked in the same place?

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR. Oh. Oh. Oh my God. I can’t do this. I’m changing my song. I’M CHANGING MY SONG RIGHT NOW. I’M JUST GOING TO SING ON MY OWN. (Bursts into tears.)

AUDITOR #1. (poking his head out of the door) Angelique LaMarveilleux? We’re ready for you.

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR. Oh god, that’s me.

STUDENT PROCTOR. DON’T SING ON MY OWN, ANGELIQUE! DON’T DO IT! PLEASE! FOR BOTH OF US!

ANGELIQUE. (grabbing her things, squeaky voice) Um. I don’t. Know. What. I—(steps inside audition room offstage, suddenly cheery and using a Southern accent) Hi guys! How are y’all doing today?

SCENA SECUNDA

Immediately following Scena Prima. Angelique inside audition room with 3 auditors. AUDITOR #3 is texting the entire time and never looks up.)

ANGELIQUE. Oh, that was weird, I don’t know why I just became temporarily Southern, I’ve never done that before, I’ve never even been to the South, I like to say y’all sometimes but I don’t actually even know how to do the accent properly, if I did it would be listed on my resume but as you can see it’s not so—

AUDITOR #2. So what are you singing?

ANGELIQUE. Oh, um, I…I’m going….to sing…………. (Long pause as she tries to think of something. She finally gets an idea. Triumphantly:) You can pick! Here’s my book, you pick what I sing! (hands binder of sheet music to AUDITORS)

AUDITOR #1. Well, this is a little unorthodox but I like your originality. (leafs through book) How about 16 bars of “Obscure Song Cut in Previews” from “An Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Broadway Musical: The Musical?” I love that song!

ANGELIQUE. Um. Okay. (brings book to ACCOMPANIST) so the tempo is like (sings a few bars at the perfect speed) and we’ll start at the bridge.

ACCOMPANIST. Okay. Just nod when you’re ready. (SHE nods, as in “that’s fine.” HE starts playing.)

ANGELIQUE. No wait sorry I didn’t mean I’m ready I just meant okay like I’ll NOD when I’m ready I’m really sorry I’ll nod when I’m ready.

ACCOMPANIST. Great.

AUDITOR #1. Take your time. Really, get in the moment. Think about what the character wants and how she goes about getting it. (ANGELIQUE takes her time. A lot of it. Trying to get in the moment. Finally, she nods. The ACCOMPANIST starts the intro, much too fast.)

ANGELIQUE. (sings flawlessly but is taken aback by the fast accompaniment) Ohourliveswereasongbutit’sallgoingwronghowcanIlivewithmyselfwhenhewon’tlivewithmeamInotagoodgirlamInotacatchamIjustanotgirlnothisperfectmatchIwaitforhimdayandnightIthinkit’srightwhycan’theseedeepdownhewantsmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (The ACCOMPANIST keeps playing the last note. And playing and playing and playing. Giant voice crack as ANGELIQUE runs out of air.)

ANGELIQUE. (trying to cut the audition short) Thanks! Nice meeting you! (begins to exit)

AUDITOR #3. Bye.

AUDITOR #2. Wait. Your other cut. Do you have anything slower? A ballad, maybe?

ANGELIQUE. Um, that was actually supposed to be my ballad…

AUDITOR #1. (looks at her resume) It says here you played Éponine in Les Mis. I’m assuming you know “On My Own.”

AUDITOR #2. I kind of wanted to see her high belt, actually.

AUDITOR #1. (aside, to AUDITOR #2) We can teach her to belt high. (a reverent whisper) This is about acting. Character! Passion! Desire! ART!

(A giant eye roll from AUDITOR #2, who has clearly heard this one too many times)

ANGELIQUE. I don’t have the sheet music for that song though…I mean it’s kind of…you know. Taboo.

AUDITOR #1. Oh, no problem! (gestures to ACCOMPANIST) So many people bring it in here that he has it memorized!

ANGELIQUE. Okay. (nods at ACCOMPANIST. Begins to sing. She’s feeling pretty on her own right now, and it shows. In a good way. There may be tears. AUDITOR #1 eats it up.)

AUDITOR #2. So what do you like about TTU? (“ How much research have you done? How much do you care?” ANGELIQUE is aware of the question’s real meaning but suddenly blanks on her rehearsed answers.)

ANGELIQUE. (“ohgodtheywanttoknowifIcare”) Um. I like the…intensity of the training. In a typical liberal arts college setting. Yeah. And. Um…the campus is beautiful? OH, and the faculty! Of course the faculty! Y’all are amazing!

Oops. I’m Southern again. (AUDITOR #3 snorts.)

AUDITOR #1. Do you have a Shakespeare monologue?

ANGELIQUE. SHAKESPEARE?‼ That’s not on the web site! …But sure. Sure, I can do Shakespeare. (“ I’ve already blown this audition. I have nothing to lose.” SHE begins to recite a made-up Shakespearean monologue. 100% commitment, despite long pauses, slurring, and stuttering. Underneath, 100% panic.)

At the time…eth. That I madeth…these…weeds, we were to be wed

And thy sweet Virfrlisinian hair looked akin…to a hog’s head.

From one swine to another, that fair…isle of…night

Was…so turlishly bright. (realizes the line is too short) In—in the moonlight.

But now thy…swamp of...memories is dry as death.

O, thy desirest my leee—leper’s…bath. Beth. Breath. Eth. My leper’s last breath.

I’d drink spirits…to your health. (not Shakespearean enough. One last attempt:)

I’ll drinketh o’th’side o’my coz, for he doth hath th’welkin’s lyre.

I’th’brimstone and the fire.

(Pause. ANGELIQUE is frozen, horrified.)

AUDITOR #2. (deadpan) Thank you.

AUDITOR #1. We’ll be in touch soon.

ANGELIQUE. (Nods. Gets book from ACCOMPANIST. Exits. From offstage, to her STAGE PARENT:) Oh my God. What am I doing with my life?! (The sound of gross sobbing.)

AUDITOR #3. (bursts out laughing) I FREAKING LOVE MY JOB!

SCENA TERTIA

Back outside the audition room. BRADY and MOM observe the other auditioners’ conversations. Each FUTURE BROADWAY STAR has their moment and then silently continues with their business.

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR #1. (straightening her hair, to her STAGE MOTHER) So when we go to audition at Fiercetown School of Dramatic Illusion I think I’m going to tell them to consider me for their screalting minor as well because I just want to hedge my bets you know? And I have no idea if it’s even possible for me to get in ANYWHERE because of the Glee Factor and Smash and now Idina Menzel is Disney-famous so everyone wants to be on Broadway when that was MY thing first. Anyway. What I’m saying is I know I need a backup plan because (whispers) I mean, did you see that girl when she came out of the audition room? She was A MESS. I guess if you don’t LOVE this process you’re not meant for a lifetime of auditioning.

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR #2. Did you know that STEPHEN SONDHEIM gave a master class here last week? I would DIE if I got in.

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR #3. ALL HAIL LORD SONDHEIM.

(FUTURE BROADWAY STARS #2 and 3 engage in a ritual chant. It incorporates phrases from many Sondheim shows, accompanied by yoga-like movements.)

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR #4. (fierce, insanely high belt riffing)

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR #5. YAAAAAAS GIRL! (HE joins in)

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR #6. (to FUTURE BROADWAY STAR #7, as a PERSON WHO IS SECRETLY INFLUENTIAL listens in, disapprovingly) I hear they’re looking for 6’0’’ brunette gospel singers and I’m only 5’11’’. I don’t even know what I’m doing here.

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR #7. Ugh, this school is so weird. I hear they only accept people who cry in the audition room. What the hell, right? (THEY laugh nervously/sardonically) Seriously, though. Make sure you cry. It’s easy if you just think about how bad you want this.

(FUTURE BROADWAY STAR #8 contorts his/herself into various insane positions: human pretzel. He or she simultaneously repeats tongue twisters: vocal pretzel.)

FUTURE BROADWAY STAR #9. (to a random stranger) I’m so excited. I’ve been preparing for this since I could walk. I mean, I’ve been in four regional productions and one off-Broadway show but that’s nothing compared to BFA auditions. Plus, I’m only EMC. Soooo embarrassing. Ooh, let me see your resume!

BRADY. Oh God Mom do I even stand a chance? Don’t answer that.

STUDENT PROCTOR. Brady? You’re up. Last one of the day.

MOM. Oh Brady, I’ll still love you, no matter what happens! (The STUDENT PROCTOR leads BRADY offstage. MOM waves encouragingly. To a nearby STAGE PARENT:) Sometimes I just wish he wanted to go to med school like his brother.

SCENA QUATTRA

Back in the audition room. BRADY is in front of the table this time, having already worked things out with the ACCOMPANIST. AUDITOR #3 has fallen asleep.

AUDITOR #2. Brady, right? (BRADY nods.) What are you going to sing?

BRADY. Um…“Obscure Song Cut in Previews” from “An Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Off Broadway Musical: The Musical?”

AUDITOR #2. Oh. Okay. Well, just a tip for your future auditions: that song is starting to be overdone. We just had someone come in here with it today.

BRADY. I know. Sorry.

AUDITOR #2. Oh, don’t apologize, it’s no problem! We’re kind of short on time, by the way, so we’re not going to have you sing the other song. This is your one chance to impress us.

BRADY. (nods at the accompanist like HE has been taught. HE actually has time to sing the punctuation.)

Oh, our lives were a song, but it’s all going wrong! How can I live with myself when she won’t live with me? Am I not a nice guy? Am I not a catch? Am I just a not guy? Not her perfect match! I wait for her day and night; I think it’s right. Why can’t she see? Deep down she wants meeeee!

AUDITOR #1. I think you’re doing it all wrong.

BRADY. What?

AUDITOR #1. You’re taking it out of context. In the show, he’s this cocky character who is experiencing self-doubt for the first time. You’re playing it tragically, like you’re a wallflower, like you’re used to rejection. It’s not a wallflower song. Do it like you’re honestly shocked by what’s been done to you. (BRADY nods. Pause. A giant snore from AUDITOR #3.)

BRADY. Do it? Like now?

AUDITOR #1. Yes.

(BRADY does. Despite his surprise at being corrected, he takes the direction.)

AUDITOR #1. Okay, what changes during the song?

BRADY. Um…he decides something is wrong with her? And that it’s not his fault after all?

AUDITOR #1. YES! And what makes him decide that?

BRADY. Uhhhhh…

AUDITOR #1. Who are you talking to? It’s a confidante, right? Think of someone in your life you’d go to with girl problems (sizes BRADY up) or, uh, boy problems, I guess.

BRADY. (tries to make a joke) Wow, your gaydar is spot on.

AUDITOR #2. Oh my God! “Gaydar!” I love it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BRADY. Wait, that’s like a thing. I didn’t make that up.

AUDITOR #1. Oh, I don’t need gaydar. You forgot I run a college musical theatre program. I just assume every boy who walks in here is gay.

(THEY all laugh over the gayness (gaiety?) of MT. Awkward silence.)

AUDITOR #1. So. Who are you discussing this with?

BRADY. Oh! My…my dog.

AUDITOR #1. Original! Most people just pick their best friend.

BRADY. Oh, well, I picked man’s best friend I guess. Haha.
AUDITOR #2. HAHAHA I love you.

AUDITOR #1. Now sing it again, and really just VENT to your dog! Tell him about your romantic struggles! You know what? Pretend I’m your dog. Sing to me.

(BRADY sings the cut once more…with the pronouns changed to male. Through the song, AUDITOR #1 shouts out things like “Convince me! Why? Do you deserve this? Tell me about it!”)

AUDITOR #1. Great, thanks!

BRADY. What about my monologues?

AUDITOR #1. Nah, we saw what we needed to see. Bye!

BRADY. Um, thanks, this was fun. (leaves the room)

AUDITOR #3. (wakes up, looks at watch) That’s lunch!

SCENA CINCA

Split scene. Several months later. BRADY’s house and ANGELIQUE’s school. Acceptance calls are being made. The phones ring. Two different ring tones.

MOM. (answers, nods, puzzled) Brady! BRADY! THE PHONE’S FOR YOU!

BRADY. (offstage) Who is it?

MOM. I DON’T KNOW! COME DOWN HERE!

BRADY. (enters and takes the phone) Hello?

ANGELIQUE. (HER phone rings again) Shoot.

TEACHER. Turn your phone off, please.

ANGELIQUE. (answers anyway) This is Angelique. (to TEACHER) It might be an emergency or something.

AUDITOR #1. (on the phone with both of them) Hi, I’m calling from the BFA Musical Theatre program at Triple Threat University College Conservatory of Music, Theatre and Dance. Congratulations: you’ve been accepted!

BRADY. Wait. Really? Wow. Wow.

ANGELIQUE. Holy sh—I mean, thank you so much. I mean—AHHHHHHH! (aside, to her TEACHER) It—it actually is an emergency. I’ll be right back.

MOM. What’s going on? Brady? Are you ok?

ANGELIQUE. But—that was the worst audition I’ve had in my life? I think you must have made a mistake. There must be…another Angelique LeMarveilleux.

BRADY. Mom, I got in! I got in to TTU!!

MOM. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Screams and hugs him. Crying profusely.)

BRADY. Thank you so much! I was so impressed by TTU. Although it was…a pretty unique audition experience.

AUDITOR #1. Oh, but we loved how honest you were! You would be a fantastic addition to our program.

ANGELIQUE. Uh. Wow. Okay. Thank you!

AUDITOR #1. Yeah, we really just want to see how a person reacts under pressure. We want to get to know you as a human being, not just as a performer.

BRADY & ANGELIQUE. What?

MOM. What? What???

AUDITOR #1. That’s what’s really important. In fact, all we really look for are people who will rise to the challenge under any circumstances. And clearly that’s you. So we’re offering you a $20,000 scholarship.

BRADY & ANGELIQUE. Are you serious?

AUDITOR #1. Let us know what you decide by May 1^st! I hope to work with you again. (Click. He hangs up. Lights out on AUDITOR #1.)

BRADY & ANGELIQUE. Holy crap. I think I want to go there.

 FIN

MT GLOSSARY

BFA: Bachelor of Fine Arts. Generally more selective and intense than other college theatre programs.

Belt: A style of singing where the singer uses their chest voice to sing high. It is particularly loud and nasal. Often referred to as “fierce.” Screalting is scream/belting.

EMC: Equity Membership Candidate. If you complete 50 weeks of professional work as an EMC, you get to join Actors’ Equity.

The Glee Factor: The recent increase in performing arts program applicants due to the prevalence of TV shows, etc. featuring music and theatre. Examles include Glee, Smash and American Idol.

On My Own: A very popular song from Les Miserables. High on the “do not sing” lists of many theatrical organizations.

Sondheim: A wildly famous, successful, and brilliant composer. The Jesus of musical theatre. Bow down.

Triple threat: Someone who can act, sing and dance.